How easy is it to forgive others?
I think that most of us onrush would say “very hard” but if you think and don’t say your answer out loud the answer will be easy… we forgive friends, family members and yes we do forgive things that are hard to forgive but somehow we do, we do forgive… and go on talking to the person and even if it hurts we still love that person and makeup thousands of excuses to still be able to love that person…
Now the question is how easy is it for you to forgive yourself?
For me is particularly hard!!! So hard that sometimes I wish I was able to go back to do things totally differently… I remember days and nights spent in bed imagining to go back in time and changing everything or most of it…
I would lose time going back in the past instead of working to go on with my life and change the present to visualise the future…
So I started to read, and read and read. In all books that I read the author emphasised very much on letting the past go, “leave the past in the past and concentrate on the future… visualise your future and let go bad influences from the past. Don’t think about the past, about possible mistakes you’ve done, forgive yourself…” they write… “Concentrate on what you want, on who you want to become. Visualise your new you. Visualise the life of your dreams.”
But for me, meditation at that time was hard not to say impossible because my brain would go back to memories and regrets!
Easy to say and to write… but so hard to put on practice… especially for a person like me that needs to touch to believe its real.
My question was: how will I let my past go? If I’m like this and I suffer so much is because of my past! Because of things that happened in my past, I’m struggling because of the actions of those people, my life is a complete mess because of what happened. If I am what I am is because of my past…
I kept on going with million excuses and blaming others, I was hiding behind others’ actions to hide the real person to be blamed cause I was to blame, because no matter what happened, no matter what and who made me suffer or hurt me I was the responsible for having such a tormented life… if I was unhappy if I didn’t have what I wanted I was the only one to blame. My past the people of my past they had nothing to do with the person I became.
When I realised this my world kind of fell apart even more…
I started to blame myself for everything… I started to forgive those people and makeup excuses for them and to blame myself, relived all the experiences and searched for my mistakes and of course made up in my mind the reasons that worked out for me only to forgive their actions… All this work didn’t make me feel better at all, it only made me go down even more.
In a particularly sad moment, I found on Instagram a beautiful picture with a touching quote “Forgive Yourself”. So I searched for books that would teach me how to do it. I read so much as I wrote above, yes I did meditate, yes I wrote down my blessings and I visualised my future and wrote down everything that I wanted to become. But the spectrum of the past was still there…
I needed something physical some sort of a ritual… my own ritual to say goodbye forever to my past.
So I wrote down all the bad things that happened, all the feelings that I didn’t want in my life anymore… I made a list of situations that I wanted to forgive myself about. I wrote a list of experiences that traumatised me and that I wanted to leave in the past!
I was not willing to let the past affect my future anymore.
I also wrote names of people that put me down and that I wasn’t gonna let into my life again.
It took me a few days… I wanted to put on paper everything, everything that I thought was bad for me.
I was a little bit worried because I wanted to focus on positive and I was afraid that this would bring me down, but somehow inside I felt that I needed to let all the emotions flow no matter how bad they were.
While I was writing my heart was getting lighter, tears flow in some sort of cleansing, like when you are in the shower and you just let the warm water flow on your head and body and you feel that your body slowly relaxes…
I started to smile and I felt happy.
All the bad was written on those papers somehow they were not inside me anymore…
I was touching the past and I didn’t want it in my life anymore.
Everything I blamed myself for was written on those papers, it wasn’t part of me anymore.
I didn’t read what I wrote, instead, I decided that all that pain had to go away forever so I made a little fire outside and I burned my past.